...I Will Love You...

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posted by Amanda @ 8:45 PM 0 comments

June 2006 Post (accidentally deleted)

I'm having a really hard time choosing a title for this post, so I figured that maybe, if I type it first and listen to some music, something would stick out.

In fact, I'm not even entirely sure what to write.

It's been so long since I've posted on Blogger. I'm actually coming back to it because I thought a private blog/page/whatever on here would be a good idea (and nice and convenient) for a story I'm working on. I could work on it at home, on campus between classes, at work on a break, wherever. Of course, I could type "wherever" if I had a laptop... But I don't, so this will have to work. And I thought, hey, why not start the other one back up? After all, I started it and never told anybody about it because I didn't want my mom reading it or people that have my Myspace that I know might judge me for my posts (I've been known to have friends with nicknames like "Ice Queen" because they're completely disgusted with mushiness, romance, soul-baring, etc), and most of them have never heard of Blogger... And you can't search for someone on here the same way you can on Myspace.

So, I've finished my first year of college with what I think averages out to a 3.5 GPA. I don't remember the last time I had this many A's all at once. I struggled through last semester, though. I actually ended up dropping two of my classes because I couldn't handle everything. I almost put myself in one of those weekend "rests" you can do at hospitals when you know that something's not right in your head - that's how bad I was getting. Towards the end there, I hated work, I hated school (all but Creative Writing), I was fighting with my mom and my best (and only) friend a LOT, I was practically drowning in financial problems (and still am), and I was losing sight of who I AM. And I don't just mean that I was having one of those "I'm becoming someone different" experiences, I mean I really felt like my mind was crumbling - I couldn't sleep (still can't, though), I couldn't concentrate, I was disgusted with myself (my body, my personality, my choices, who I was spending my time with, my habits, everything), I would cry for absolutely no reason and at the most random times.

I'm still sort of feeling those things, but not so dramatically. I'm trying to save up money so I can take a mental break and head out to Texas by myself for a weekend in October or November for TRF, some pampering, some quiet time alone in my hotel room, and a break from the people and things that have made me who I am. A friend once told me that sometimes, what a person needs most, is to get away from the people and things that have shaped your mind - to take yourself out of your comfort zone and do what you want to do because YOU want to and say what YOU want to say, etc, without being afraid of what your personal community would think/feel about it. This is from the guy that spent a month or so in Irelend as a shepherd, living with the old man that owned the farm, taking his own advice. It's apparently easier to step out and take a good look at yourself and who YOU really are, without the things that often influence you. If I can get the money, that's what I plan to attempt in one short weekend.

I've hit a bit of a bump in planning my Texas trip, though. I'm not old enough to rent a car, and I don't have a car of my own (or the money for one right now). I mean, if the LeBaron would make it, I'm sure Mom would let me use it... But the tires and breaks are bad, the spedometer doesn't work, the engine needs a lot of work before I'll trust it to just take me out of my own city, and it only gets 4.4-4.5 miles per gallon right now. I don't think it'll get me to Texas... And I am sooooo not paying for taxis all weekend - that would cost me hundreds. Which means I may actually not get to go...

Isaiah and I stopped talking for awhile. We had a bit of a disagreement, and neither of us quite knew how to approach the other afterwards.

I once told you that Isaiah reminded me of somebody, someone I met at a summer camp... I finally caught him on AIM last weekend. We talked for awhile and he added me on Myspace. Maybe we can actually keep in touch this time.

So Alyssa and I aren't really talking anymore. After our last fight, we just didn't "fall back into place" like we usually do. The good thing is that I now have time for old friends I'd been neglecting.

My family did finally leave Hope. We're at Living Waters, now. Mom hasn't been for a good month or two now, though, and with Grandma's works schedule, we keep bouncing between all the different services. I prefer Sunday night and Mom and Grandma prefer Saturday night. *shrugs*

Um... what else?

Oh... My whole "not dating unless he's Christian and unless I get a good, clear message from God" thing... Yeah, that fell through. HUGE mistake. We lasted about 3 months. He's about 16 years older than me, but acts about 12. One good thing came out of it though - he's back in church for the first time since his mother died 18 or 19 years ago. (He's actually at Hope - oh, the irony...)

For spring break, Alyssa and I spend a few days in San Diego. We went to the zoo, Old Town, the Gaslamp District, and did some trolly tour of the city and a sea "tour" that got us up close with the sea lions. It was... pretty cool...

For Mother's Day, we took Mom to Old Town to see Forbidden Broadway (the weekend before Mother's Day, actually). Then, the Saturday before Mother's Day, I took Mom to Faire... And on Sunday, Alyssa and I took our moms to IHOP and finally let them meet (in 2-1/2 years, they'd never met).

Alright... I think I'm going to go now. I'm full of music/song quotes today, but none of them seem to work for anything I wrote about. Hm. Oh well.

Pray for me.

posted by Amanda @ 8:35 PM 0 comments

Don't you see me trying to ride out this hurricane?

This whole move was a mistake. One big, fat mistake. Family is supposed to have each other's backs, but mine seems to just repeatedly screw each other over.

So we get all set for the move - give our landlord our 30-day notice, get help from friends to get a storage unit paid for, start boxing stuff up...

Then they tell us the cats have to stay in the garage - they don't want them in the house. (Apparently we're not even supposed to have them there. Oh yay.)

Then my uncle tells us that he's not going to be able to wall off the garage for a few more months because they don't have the $150 for the drywall. But when it's windy, their garage doors fly up, but they don't like to lock them, which means that the cats would get out if we keep them down there.

My aunt was supposed to start clearing room for our stuff in the kitchen, bathroom, and hall closet - thankfully, she did her part. My uncle was supposed to move a dresser from our future bedroom downstairs then clear off a small storage space for us in the back of the garage - he hasn't done a damn thing.

Mom & I are over there the other night, painting our side of the garage (the future den space). She asked what time the neighbor usually goes to bed so we know to start quieting down whenever we're down there watching TV or on the computers or whatever. We left at 10 PM (her usual bedtime, according to her). The next day, we make our first trip back there at 2:30 in the afternoon, and my uncle meets us downstairs to tell us we have to switch sides of the garage now. The neighbor had complained, saying that we kept her up all night painting, and that we woke her up at 8 AM that morning... Even though we hadn't been there during any of the times we supposedly did all of this. So 3 days of painting went down the tubes. And so my uncle was supposed to pull everything out yesterday to switch our stuff around and paint, but he never did. So he was going to do it today, but he never did. Now he's saying he'll do it tomorrow. Yeah right.

Tonight, Mom gets an e-mail from my aunt. They usually get my uncle's tax return pretty early in the year, and when they get his next one, they're moving out of state. The whole purpose of this move was to give EVERYBODY involved a chance to save up money to move, because none of us would be able to if we didn't all move in together. So basically, they just want us to move in so they can move out of state. Like what happens to me or Mom doesn't matter, so long as they get what they want out of us.

And all of this shit when we have less than a week to get out of the old apartment.

posted by Amanda @ 8:38 PM 0 comments

...Trapped in the past for too long, I'm moving on...

First off, I'm moving!

It's actually not that exciting. My mom & I are moving in with my aunt, uncle, and baby cousin for awhile to try to get all of us back on our feet financially. It's a 2-bedroom 1-bath place. Oi. But we're turning a chunk of the garage into our own little space to make it easier, since we all really like our space. I'm not sure how this is going to work, but you never know, right?

Second, I'm making major changes in my life. (I guess the move could count for this, too...)

I'm starting to lose some weight; it's happening slowly, but happening nonetheless. I'm hoping to be at least one size smaller by my birthday, but that's coming up sooner than I care to remember, so we'll see what happens. But I'm getting new running shoes (yay!), keeping my iPod charged for such things, and Mom & I will be taking belly dance classes down the street for our birthday presents to ourselves. On days when I'm not dancing or running, I plan on at least going out with Grandma (she can spend 3 hours wandering around Walmart) or taking a walk in the new neighborhood.

Once we're officially in the new place, I'll be looking for a job in the area. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for either Mother's Market or a clothing store, but I need the money bad enough that I'll take just about any job I can get.

I'm starting to work on more crafty stuff. Turns out the "Kiss Me" signs I made for the ren faire are a big hit, so I'll be making more to see if they'll sell on Etsy. I've also gotten to the point where I'll take old clothes, frames, jewelry boxes, etc, and refinishing them and whatnot to turn around and re-sell. I'm hoping it all works out and gets me a little extra cash to start putting towards Phoenix Awakened (the subculture craft venture I've started with my mom & aunt) and another little project I've started working on (but that one's a surprise, so I don't want to unveil it until I get everything all worked out).

Anyway, I better get to sleep. We're moving the furniture tomorrow, so I need the rest.

~Amanda,
aka Lady Phoenix

posted by Amanda @ 11:08 PM 0 comments

Where are you, Christmas?

It's been too long. I still have no job or car, I can't seem to get in touch with the unemployment office, and the only money I'm making comes from cleaning my great-grandfather's room (for a whole $20 a week, woo). I'm filling out applications and e-mailing resumes till my head is spinning, and still nothing. I'm broke. I can't even figure out how to get the money to pay all the bills this month; the ones that have been paid are only paid because I got Christmas money early... I'm freaking out.

*deep breath*

Blah.

posted by Amanda @ 1:52 AM 0 comments

It's been... God. Almost a year since my last post. I just forget about this place sometimes. Most of my posting goes on Myspace, but sometimes... Sometimes, it's just nice to post somewhere where all my friends, family, and enemies won't read it and nag me about this stuff. So I'm actually thinking about using this more often...

I've got a lot of stuff going on right now. I had this plan, you see. I was going to get a second part-time office job, and split my weekdays between that and the District. And I was going to use the internet to barter off my truck for something else, preferrably something with an automatic transmission. Then, I was going to save up as much money as possible and move. But everytime I make a "plan", things turn to shit...

Within a week's time:
I was "temporarily fired" from the District, meaning I can come back to work when I get back in school. But, to be completely honest, I don't want to go back to that place. It was almost as bad as high school in that office. Everybody in there hated each other, and they were always trying to get each other fired. And I would've been doing a lot of work for my old department, with the Wicked Witch of CCCD.
My truck died. Like. DEAD died. Won't-Start died. Would-Cost-More-to-Fix-Than-the-Truck-is-Worth died.

I was never even able to START the Plan. No truck to trade and no job to supplement another with. And I'm having a really difficult time finding a new job, to make matters worse. Which means no money for a new car any time soon...

At the moment, though, I'm trying to work on something else (and, until I finally find another job, this will be my main focus)... A couple friends and I are building the Los Angeles Starving Artists Association, an organization that, in the future, we hope to be able to use to help dedicated, worthy artists get the equipment/supplies, training, and anything else they need to make their way in the industry of their choice. Once LASAA has become as large as we can get it, I'm hoping to acquire a decently-sized apartment complex in the LA or OC area that we can use as reasonably-priced housing for struggling artists. But that could take years, even DECADES.

posted by Amanda @ 2:46 AM 0 comments

~ Arcadium Clothing - Overbust Corsets ~

~ Arcadium Clothing - Overbust Corsets ~

posted by Amanda @ 12:02 PM 2 comments

What I Am

I am broken,
I am useless.

I am beaten,
I am damned.

I have loved, and I have laughed.
I have smiled, and I have played.

I am lost,
I am crushed.

I am cursed,
I am defeated.

posted by Amanda @ 10:46 AM 0 comments

Tales for the Business-Minded

Can you believe it? Finally, a blog without song lyrics for a title. Wow...

Anyway, it's been a long time (almost a year now, huh?), and you've missed a lot.

September - Started counseling through the school (which I was only able to attend for, like, five weeks); had a long-distance "boyfriend", who I still talk to from time to time; dropped dance.

October - Moved into Alyssa's house.

November - Not a lot that I can remember now.

December - Spent more and more time at Mom's/Grandma's after some disagreements with Alyssa about her chemical (and various other) habits.

January - Got a job at a little fast-food type place called Papa Z's; started spring semester.

February - Quit my job at the college district; dropped a class or two; moved back into the apartment.

March - Stopped paying attention to some other classes; finished Beginning Computer Keyboarding 1.

April - The Renaissance Pleasure Faire started; gave up on the spring semester altogether.

May - Quit Papa Z's after some serious harassment issues with other employees; RPFS ended; started attending Koroneburg.

June - Went back to work for the district (specifically, Environmental Health & Safety); Koroneburg ended.

And now, I'm here...

And I have to take lunch. Which means this blog isn't really "Tales for the Business-Minded"; the next one is (well, it will be if I remember to come back). But we'll talk later...

posted by Amanda @ 1:15 PM 0 comments

Slow like honey, heavy with mood...

Oy...

Yeah. That's pretty much it... oy... Or, if you prefer, "oi..."

Life is... hectic, to say that least.

I've been battling The Cold from Hell all week, trying to talk to my boyfriend on the phone without coughing (which, when you've got The Cold, is impossible).

I'm losing my mind; trying to fight off nervous breakdowns, panic/anxiety attacks, thoughts of hurting myself (which could land me in a hospital). So, in about a week-and-a-half, I've got my first session with a counselor at school.

I hate my job, and I'm planning on quitting, but I need a new job first, and I don't want to call places until The Cold clears up.

School is, well, nice actually, but I want to drop dance. This semester rocks, but I just can't seem to handle my electives when I'm stressed (that's the way it was in high school, too).

Well, I have a LOT more updating (like the boyfriend thing, for one), but I gotta go, so I'll do all that later...

Currently listening to: Slow Like Honey, by Fiona Apple

posted by Amanda @ 6:01 PM 0 comments

I'll Be the Greatest Fan of Your Life

You know, in the world of fandom, a person usually sees an actor in a movie/TV show/on stage/whatever and then becomes a fan.

For instance, my love of John Cusack started with the Disney Channel in the middle of the night. In junior high, I was up late one night, flipping channels, and I came across this movie call The Journey of Natty Gann. Once Harry came into the movie, I fell instantly in love. lol. The next day, I had to ask my mom what movies he's been in. And now I would very much like to meet him.

That's how it usually starts, isn't it? With one thing you see them in, then you start to like them, then you want to meet them. Isn't that the way it works?

But now... Now I'm trying to do things backwards, apparently. Last year, I met this guy at Faire. He tried to show off a bit (contact juggling), and we talked for a good 30 minutes, maybe more, while Mom and Alyssa roamed around taking pictures of the trolls. A few months later, I discovered he's a voice over artist, and also discovered that, well, I actually like his work. Now my status as a fan has gotten confused; I met him first, then liked his work, and now I would love nothing more than to meet with him again. Hmmm... I wonder if I'll run into him at any more faires...

posted by Amanda @ 1:01 PM 0 comments

All Alone (by Kutless)

Icy chills round your heart
A heart that's made of stone
It seems like
Life is out to get you
To destroy what you want
I know that, that you blame me for all that you go through
It could be, so different if you would just let it go

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

If you would change your perspective
You'd see that it is true
Life is not always what you want
Sometimes it's hard to bear
I'd be with you, and help you in all that you go through
I love you, let Me change your heart by coming in

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

posted by Amanda @ 12:52 AM 0 comments

It's the Kid! He's in the Toilet! (Just flush him, Ralph!)

Why is it sooooo HOT and HUMID?! Argh... I hate this weather. Why can't it be warm and dry? Or even hot and dry? I can deal with heat when it's not so incredibly sticky but it's so bloody sticky!

I stayed home from work today. I started getting sick yesterday (got halfway through the grocery store, which I was only in for about 20 minutes, and thought I was going to, well, blech all over their nice tile), and didn't want to risk being like that at work, too.

Tomorrow, I've got a Mary Kay meeting, if I can get to it.

Thursday, Aunt Kay and Uncle Chuck are coming in from Nevada to stay for a week. Papa's turning 90 on Sunday, so they're going to throw a "party" for him, and then sometime while they're here, Alice/Aunt Kay, Grandman, Tim, and Butch are all suppose to sit down with Papa and try to work on his will. Right now, I guess it's set up so the boys get everything and the girls get screwed, so they want to try to "fix" it. Well, Tim, Grandma, and Alice want to fix it; Butch is pretty much happy with the way it is, but he wants more. *grumbles* It amazes me how someone who use to be so kind and giving can be so mean and greedy now... Whatever... I guess they've finally talked him into selling the house and splitting the profit between the 4 of them, so that's good. I know for awhile, they were trying to set it up so Grandma got one of Papa's cars (he's got a couple really nice ones), but I think they might have given up, 'cause Butch wanted them all. Oy...

And then Friday, I'm going in late to work. Rich's mom/Brenda's mother-in-law was doing alright, then suddenly started going downhill fast. She died, I believe it was yesterday morning... They're having the memorial at Rich & Brenda's Friday, at 11:30 AM.

Saturday... I don't know what's planned. It'll probably turn out to just be the whole family at Papa's all day. Then, they want to take him to church. I don't really like the Saturday service, but according to Grandma, I "have" to go. I'd rather go Sunday, but nobody will go with me.

Then, Sunday, a family lunch and the party.

Then, I've got the next Monday through Thursday to figure out what the heck is going on. I took that time off (I already have Monday's off, though) to spend with Alice & Chuck.

*sigh* I feel like taking an ice bath...

Alright, I'm out.

posted by Amanda @ 4:41 PM 0 comments

I Want You More, More Than I Ever Thought I Would...

"...I want you more, more than I ever should."

Mary came back to work on Wednesday. Every time she answered the phone, she had to find a way to tell them about her vacation, no matter who they were. Oy...

Thursday, I went to the movies with Alyssa, her Aunt Judy, and her cousin, Nicole. RV. It had the Wicked OBC Galinda/Glinda in it. Cute, very cute. Friday, Alyssa and I were suppose to go to the fair, but she managed to forget her other plans when we'd decided the week before. So, we moved it to Saturday, but she "didn't feel like it", so we hooked up later for Rocky. I almost told her to just forget about it. It started off as just her, me, and Antje. It turned into the three of us, Cecily and her date, John Q & his friend Aaron, Janis, Ashley, and a friend of Alyssa's whose name I have managed to forget. Great. Just bloody wonderful. So I ended up in the middle of a group of people, most of which I either don't know or don't like. And then she kept going off with the people from the group that I DID know, leaving me next to Aaron (who was pretty cute, and in my age range, but SOOOO not what I need), and I ended up smooshed between him and Cecily's not-boyfriend. Peachy. She kept apologizing, only to turn around and do something else that she always complains about her friends doing to her. She would've freaked if I had been the one who had invited, like, fifty million friends. To make it worse, I had a friend who wanted to go, but Alyssa said no, because there wasn't any space in her car. We ended up taking her-friend-whose-name-I-conveniently-forgot's van, where there was an empty seat. Of course, the woman's old enough she could've driven herself and met me there, but no. All I have to say is that Alyssa owes me big for that. *grumbles*

Grandma's sick. Pneumonia. We ended up not going to church yesterday. And of course, Mom didn't want to go because she doesn't like that type of worship music and she's not feeling very God-friendly at the moment.

I ended up hanging out with Celeste for a few hours instead, which was nice. I wish we did that more often.

Anyway... I'm out. G'night.

posted by Amanda @ 9:47 PM 0 comments

Oh, And Horton, One More Thing...

June 13th (I think) of last year, I asked that you all pray that I get a job. Less than a month later, Alyssa's mom offered me a job working for the college district, and now I've been there for 11 months. Job security is a beautiful thing (it'd be even better if it payed more and actually liked it).

posted by Amanda @ 7:08 PM 0 comments