...I Will Love You...

June 2006 Post (accidentally deleted)

I'm having a really hard time choosing a title for this post, so I figured that maybe, if I type it first and listen to some music, something would stick out.

In fact, I'm not even entirely sure what to write.

It's been so long since I've posted on Blogger. I'm actually coming back to it because I thought a private blog/page/whatever on here would be a good idea (and nice and convenient) for a story I'm working on. I could work on it at home, on campus between classes, at work on a break, wherever. Of course, I could type "wherever" if I had a laptop... But I don't, so this will have to work. And I thought, hey, why not start the other one back up? After all, I started it and never told anybody about it because I didn't want my mom reading it or people that have my Myspace that I know might judge me for my posts (I've been known to have friends with nicknames like "Ice Queen" because they're completely disgusted with mushiness, romance, soul-baring, etc), and most of them have never heard of Blogger... And you can't search for someone on here the same way you can on Myspace.

So, I've finished my first year of college with what I think averages out to a 3.5 GPA. I don't remember the last time I had this many A's all at once. I struggled through last semester, though. I actually ended up dropping two of my classes because I couldn't handle everything. I almost put myself in one of those weekend "rests" you can do at hospitals when you know that something's not right in your head - that's how bad I was getting. Towards the end there, I hated work, I hated school (all but Creative Writing), I was fighting with my mom and my best (and only) friend a LOT, I was practically drowning in financial problems (and still am), and I was losing sight of who I AM. And I don't just mean that I was having one of those "I'm becoming someone different" experiences, I mean I really felt like my mind was crumbling - I couldn't sleep (still can't, though), I couldn't concentrate, I was disgusted with myself (my body, my personality, my choices, who I was spending my time with, my habits, everything), I would cry for absolutely no reason and at the most random times.

I'm still sort of feeling those things, but not so dramatically. I'm trying to save up money so I can take a mental break and head out to Texas by myself for a weekend in October or November for TRF, some pampering, some quiet time alone in my hotel room, and a break from the people and things that have made me who I am. A friend once told me that sometimes, what a person needs most, is to get away from the people and things that have shaped your mind - to take yourself out of your comfort zone and do what you want to do because YOU want to and say what YOU want to say, etc, without being afraid of what your personal community would think/feel about it. This is from the guy that spent a month or so in Irelend as a shepherd, living with the old man that owned the farm, taking his own advice. It's apparently easier to step out and take a good look at yourself and who YOU really are, without the things that often influence you. If I can get the money, that's what I plan to attempt in one short weekend.

I've hit a bit of a bump in planning my Texas trip, though. I'm not old enough to rent a car, and I don't have a car of my own (or the money for one right now). I mean, if the LeBaron would make it, I'm sure Mom would let me use it... But the tires and breaks are bad, the spedometer doesn't work, the engine needs a lot of work before I'll trust it to just take me out of my own city, and it only gets 4.4-4.5 miles per gallon right now. I don't think it'll get me to Texas... And I am sooooo not paying for taxis all weekend - that would cost me hundreds. Which means I may actually not get to go...

Isaiah and I stopped talking for awhile. We had a bit of a disagreement, and neither of us quite knew how to approach the other afterwards.

I once told you that Isaiah reminded me of somebody, someone I met at a summer camp... I finally caught him on AIM last weekend. We talked for awhile and he added me on Myspace. Maybe we can actually keep in touch this time.

So Alyssa and I aren't really talking anymore. After our last fight, we just didn't "fall back into place" like we usually do. The good thing is that I now have time for old friends I'd been neglecting.

My family did finally leave Hope. We're at Living Waters, now. Mom hasn't been for a good month or two now, though, and with Grandma's works schedule, we keep bouncing between all the different services. I prefer Sunday night and Mom and Grandma prefer Saturday night. *shrugs*

Um... what else?

Oh... My whole "not dating unless he's Christian and unless I get a good, clear message from God" thing... Yeah, that fell through. HUGE mistake. We lasted about 3 months. He's about 16 years older than me, but acts about 12. One good thing came out of it though - he's back in church for the first time since his mother died 18 or 19 years ago. (He's actually at Hope - oh, the irony...)

For spring break, Alyssa and I spend a few days in San Diego. We went to the zoo, Old Town, the Gaslamp District, and did some trolly tour of the city and a sea "tour" that got us up close with the sea lions. It was... pretty cool...

For Mother's Day, we took Mom to Old Town to see Forbidden Broadway (the weekend before Mother's Day, actually). Then, the Saturday before Mother's Day, I took Mom to Faire... And on Sunday, Alyssa and I took our moms to IHOP and finally let them meet (in 2-1/2 years, they'd never met).

Alright... I think I'm going to go now. I'm full of music/song quotes today, but none of them seem to work for anything I wrote about. Hm. Oh well.

Pray for me.

posted by Amanda @ 8:35 PM