...I Will Love You...: June 2005

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I Want You and Your Beautiful Soul

I was listening to the one Jesse McCartney song that I know, and found within it a love song from God. The amazing things that your eyes will open up to when you least expect it. But think about it - "I know that you are something special. To you, I'd always be faithful. I want to be what you always needed, then I hope you'll see that heart in me." I mean, God wants nothing more than for you to know that, to Him, you are special, and that He will never leave you nor foresake you. He wants to be everything you need - your Healer, your Provider, your Father, your Lover, your Savior, your King, your everything - and He hopes that you will see that he loves you and that He is all you really need. Just think about that for a moment.

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Done thinking about it yet? Does it make sense to you now? Am I just that crazy, that I see a message from the Lord in a Jesse McCartney song? Or do I simply see something that you don't? Please tell me that you see it. Please tell me that you understand.

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He will never make you cry. Never. Is He crazy for wanting you and loving you the way that He does? He's God, He's not crazy. An outcast, maybe, but not crazy. He doesn't want to waste your time... But here's the thing - God is never a waste of time, He is worth every second, every minute, every hour of your time. Do you see things as purely and lovingly as He does? Do you see the world for what it once was - His perfect creation? And it truly was perfect...

~just dwell on the song thing for a moment~

I only have two more hours of high school left, and they're of Swanson's class - a T.A. period, so nothing to do besides reading my book. Amazing. I've spent years waiting for this week, and here it is, and I'm suddenly baffled by how it happened. Do you ever have that feeling that you know something's coming, and you can see it in your head, and you're ready and waiting, but when it comes, you notice that you never truly expected it to happen? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right this second. I mean, I KNEW that, of course, high school had to end at some point (and thank GOD!), but now that it's here... It's sort of like, Well, this is nice, God. Thank You, but where do I go from here?, and you're wondering when and how it all ended. *sigh* I guess that all I can really do for now is trust in Him and wait for Him to work in this new chapter of my life - this whole Real World thing (and I certainly don't mean the television show).

But I'm finally done!

Speaking of being done, I just finished yet another journal. Okay, well not quite yet, but I've only got about ten pages or so left of it. No, that is not an invitation to buy me another one. I still have ten more empty ones, and this last one took me over a year to get through. (Yes, I have exactly ten left.)

And I'm almost done with the book I'm reading. Only about 110 left to go! ...Oh, boy...

Anyway, I suppose I should be off.

~Amanda

Now You Know

In these eyes
More than words
More than anything that I've spoken
As the skies to turn gray
My heart's just about to crack open
So the story goes
But there's something you should know
Before I walk away
And I blow the ending

I never wanna be without you
Oh no, here I go
Now you know
What I feel about you
There's no runnin'
I must have been wrong to doubt you
Oh no
There I go
No control
And I'm fallin
So now you know

Feel so light
Craving oxygen
All this truth's left me empty
Will you run
Can you handle it
Cause I need you to tell me
Maybe this seems bold
But I'm hoping you'll stay for the happy ending

I never wanna be without you
Oh no, here I go
Now you know
What I feel about you
There's no runnin'
I must have been wrong to doubt you
Oh no
There I go
No control
And I'm fallin
So now you know

No I won't look back when I tell you what I think about you
No I won't look back when I tell you what I think about you

So the story goes, yeah
You already know
So don't be a fool and go and spoil the ending

I never wanna be without you
Oh no, here I go
Now you know
What I feel about you
There's no runnin'
I must have been wrong to doubt you
Oh no
There I go
No control
And I'm fallin
So now you know

I never wanna be without you
Oh no, here I go
Now you know
What I feel about you
There's no runnin'
I must have been wrong to doubt you
Oh no
There I go
No control
And I'm fallin
So now you know

(The song from last night's entry. The chorus seems to be rather debatable - runnin' or ending? I, personally, think it sounds like runnin'.)

Monday, June 20, 2005

I Never Wanna Be Without You

Yes, I've been listening to Hilary Duff. Haha, funny-funny, laugh all you want. When I said that I listen to almost everything, I meant it. Even her. Better than Britney Spears.

Anyway, things are working out rather oddly right now. I feel like I'm a completely different person than I was just last week. Crazy, right? But honestly, I am. Why? For one, it finally hit me that I'm graduating. Postiff and Roy both wrote something in my yearbook that made it just sort of slap me across the face. I held it in through third period, then went home and cried while I was trying to read what they wrote to my mom. She eventually had to take the yearbook away and read it herself. But why was I crying? Because those comments made me realize something - I will probably never see a lot of these people again. For most of the school, that thrills me to no end... But for some of them... For some of them, it's something I wish I could push away and put off until I'm ready for it, although I don't think I'll ever be ready to let go of the people that mean so much to me. Roy, Lydia, Michelle, Ali, Stephanie, Jacqueline (who's already drifted because we were moved into different classes)... Postiff... I know, it seems strange that there's a teacher in there, but you don't understand. Postiff pushed me. He made me want to do well, even when I didn't care about any of my other classes. And then, he wrote this in my yearbook: "Lazy, lazy Amanda. You are a young lady of many talents. Use them wisely so you can make the impact that I know you can." Then the typical, "It was great having you in my class." Then, "The world needs more people like you!" Sure, it doesn't seem like much, but once again, you don't understand. Postiff is the tough man. He jokes with everybody and likes to pretend that he doesn't give a crap about his students. Everybody else, reading what he wrote, laughed hysterically, while I had to hold back the tears. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm so freaking emotional during major life changes (like graduation). I wish I could write what Roy wrote to me, too, because that was equally-impacting as Postiff's, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about that.

Grandma's sitting in the living room, all the lights out, watching television. Mom's in her room listening to music. And I'm here, in front of the computer, right where I've been since I got home from school today. No break for me aside from dinner, a shower, and other little random trips to the kitchen or backyard, etc.

Just over two months left until my birthday. August 25th. Who's gonna get me something good? You know, they do have that thing about Disneyland being the happiest place on Earth and, while I don't agree with that entirely, it IS a great place to celebrate birthdays. Especially on Goth-Day. And I do have stuff I need to buy for school.

Anyway, I had a few problems with Trevor last night, but all is well because I finally realized something - it wouldn't work. All the things I want to do with my life, and all the things he wants to do with his life - they just don't mix well, and while I'm willing to give a lot of things up for love, we have a few problems here. One being that I'm currently too young to make such a decision. Two, I'm willing to give a lot of things up for love, not everything. Three, I don't have any reason to put any faith into him whatsoever, what with our "monthly committee meetings," as I like to call them (because we only see each other about that often), and him always saying he's going to do something and then not doing it. If I can't depend on him with little things, how will I trust in him for the bigger things?

But that all works out fine for me. You know why? Because I realized yesterday that I want to hold out for a true Christian guy that I can commit to and give myself fully to, and until I find that, no dating for me. I've had too many problems with guys. If he's not Christian (and I mean in his lifestyle and not just title), then there's no way. I'm tired of "Christians" pawing at me and trying to convince me to sleep with them or do things that I just know I'm going to regret. Do you see this ring? *points at purity ring* Do you know what it means? Good, then keep your hands off of me. You wanna kiss me, fine, but hands away from what all parents refer to as the "any place that a bikini covers." And you know, I'm not saying that I'm perfect, because nobody's perfect, and because I have slipped up in this area, but I can still honestly say that I am a virgin. And thank God, too, because the devil is still using that minor slip-up to try and wear away at my Grace and Pride and Salvation. And I mean the good Pride - the kind that comes with knowing that God is always with you, no matter what; Pride in who you are, not in your abilities; Pride in who you're becoming, not in being better than others, because no matter what, there's always somebody out there that is better than you. You know why else I want a Christian? Because most of them don't cuss, and I need to be around someone that doesn't cuss, because if I'm around others that don't do it, then I don't do it. It's when I hear it that I say it. As Aunt Brenda always told us, "Garbage in, garbage out."

So why title this post "I never wanna be without you"? Well, aside from the obvious listening to Hilary Duff, it's how I'm feeling right now about a lot of things. I explained not wanting to be without those friends and that teacher. I explained not wanting to be without a CHRISTIAN boyfriend. There's a guy I met online last week that, despite never seeing him in-the-flesh, currently embodies all of those Christian things (as least to me), and I can't wait for him to come back to Costa Mesa in the fall so I can talk to him face-to-face, and until then, I don't want to be without his daily concerns and uplifting comments. (He reminds me of a guy I met at summer camp summer before last. When we got home, we talked on AIM a lot; we don't really talk anymore. I miss him. He helped me with a lot of my mental/emotional issues, he helped me to think better of myself and not put myself down so much, and he helped me to learn the value of Christian friends, and he never even knew it.) And I also don't ever want to be without God. EVER.

Alright, I'll stop rambling. It's time to let Grandma sleep without me sitting here with the light on, rat-a-tat-tatting away on the keyboard.

Always,
Amanda

Monday, June 13, 2005

Shine, Make 'em Wonder Watcha Got

Alright, so I've got a lot of money-saving to do. Found a place that will publish (a small book) for me for $345-$445 depending on how many copies I want to put out my first attempt. Plus, I've finally found a place with decent bodices, for $55...
So, guys, start praying for that job for me - and pray really freaking hard.

Cleansing Streams was alright yesterday.
Grandma talked Mom and me into going to Living Waters before heading home to Hope this morning, and I'm glad we did. They had this choir/drama group from Alabama, and I must say it was pretty darn good. Of course, going to Hope all pumped up like that only led to disappointment.
All three of us are debating on going back to our roots (Living Waters) permanently, or keep going there on Saturday nights, and find a new Sunday home. Hope just doesn't have anything for us anymore. We get nothing from the worship. And, regardless of how they say we're all like family, we're not; I have Tracy, and I'm finally starting to bond with Angela after God knows how many years, but there aren't any people my age and there's nothing for me there.
At L.W., I'd have choir, I'd have drama (the good kind, not the bad kind), and a heck of a lot more people that know me. Well, maybe. I actually stopped going there because the youth group was, well, not so kind, in so many ways. But I miss seeing some of those people. Let's face it - Brigham, Dawn, Mary Beth, and Steve - that's who I miss, but they meant a lot to me.
And, Mom, she's just kinda tired with Hope.
And Grandma doesn't have anything for her there, either.So we're all debating.
Hopefully we'll decide soon, before there's nothing left to decide. I'd hate to see us uprooted without some sort of warning.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say, so I'll talk to y'all later.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Abandon Thought and Let the Dream Descend

What rich desire unlocks its door?
What sweet seduction lies before us?

Dr. Frank put it best when he said, "Don't dream it, be it." Next year, that's exactly what I plan on doing. The Ren Faire was over a month ago now, and I'm still thinking about it, even more so now that we've finally gotten our pictures back. And I would love to put them up, but my scanner doesn't seem to want to work, and I can't figure out why. So, later, I guess. But I am so going dressed up - it's so much more fun that way. And on the last weekend. On the last weekend, you can have as much fun as you want to and get away with things you wouldn't otherwise. And, the International Wenches Guild - ooooh yeeaaah! FREE KISS cards to hand out. And it's basically a liscense to do whatever the heck I want while I'm there. Now that will be interesting.

I graduate in less than two weeks, and I can't wait! I have to find a good poem to memorize for my English class (it's part of our final) and write a couple of essays, and I will finally be done with high school. What sucks, though, is that a couple of my friends and I were talking about a road trip after graduation, and none of us can do it now. Alyssa got her car taken away, and I probably won't have my liscense until after my 18th (in August - woohoo!), so that's out, and Celeste, well, no car, no liscense, no parental approval, and I'm not really friends with all the guys anymore and they've all got a ton of other stuff going on anyway. So yeah, we all make that kinda hard, don't we?

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Lead me, save me from my solitude.
Say you'll want me with you here beside you.
Anywhere you go, let me go, too.

Ah, crushing again. *sigh* At least he's a Christian, and I even think that there may be a chance this time. Well, we'll just have to find out, won't we? And I know that this sounds incredibly cheesy, but I want to photograph him so bad - he's just so beautiful, and oh, that smile! *melts* That's what I want to get on film, that sweet smile that could make any girl's knees weak.

You have brought me
To that moment when words run dry,
To that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence.

I think I'm finally done for the day. I have nothing left to write, and even less that would interest you anyway.

Somehow I've Fallen Under Your Spell...

Hmm hmm hmm, what to post, what to post?

For one, most of my blog titles will be from songs, as are the title of this post and the "You've got me seeing through different eyes" thing. It all depends on what I'm listening to and how well it fits my mood. Music is my life, and right now, my life is appearantly Wicked - pretty bad, huh? lol... Just a word of warning, you know?

I'll post more later today.

...I Will Love You...