I Never Wanna Be Without You
Yes, I've been listening to Hilary Duff. Haha, funny-funny, laugh all you want. When I said that I listen to almost everything, I meant it. Even her. Better than Britney Spears.Anyway, things are working out rather oddly right now. I feel like I'm a completely different person than I was just last week. Crazy, right? But honestly, I am. Why? For one, it finally hit me that I'm graduating. Postiff and Roy both wrote something in my yearbook that made it just sort of slap me across the face. I held it in through third period, then went home and cried while I was trying to read what they wrote to my mom. She eventually had to take the yearbook away and read it herself. But why was I crying? Because those comments made me realize something - I will probably never see a lot of these people again. For most of the school, that thrills me to no end... But for some of them... For some of them, it's something I wish I could push away and put off until I'm ready for it, although I don't think I'll ever be ready to let go of the people that mean so much to me. Roy, Lydia, Michelle, Ali, Stephanie, Jacqueline (who's already drifted because we were moved into different classes)... Postiff... I know, it seems strange that there's a teacher in there, but you don't understand. Postiff pushed me. He made me want to do well, even when I didn't care about any of my other classes. And then, he wrote this in my yearbook: "Lazy, lazy Amanda. You are a young lady of many talents. Use them wisely so you can make the impact that I know you can." Then the typical, "It was great having you in my class." Then, "The world needs more people like you!" Sure, it doesn't seem like much, but once again, you don't understand. Postiff is the tough man. He jokes with everybody and likes to pretend that he doesn't give a crap about his students. Everybody else, reading what he wrote, laughed hysterically, while I had to hold back the tears. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm so freaking emotional during major life changes (like graduation). I wish I could write what Roy wrote to me, too, because that was equally-impacting as Postiff's, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about that.
Grandma's sitting in the living room, all the lights out, watching television. Mom's in her room listening to music. And I'm here, in front of the computer, right where I've been since I got home from school today. No break for me aside from dinner, a shower, and other little random trips to the kitchen or backyard, etc.
Just over two months left until my birthday. August 25th. Who's gonna get me something good? You know, they do have that thing about Disneyland being the happiest place on Earth and, while I don't agree with that entirely, it IS a great place to celebrate birthdays. Especially on Goth-Day. And I do have stuff I need to buy for school.
Anyway, I had a few problems with Trevor last night, but all is well because I finally realized something - it wouldn't work. All the things I want to do with my life, and all the things he wants to do with his life - they just don't mix well, and while I'm willing to give a lot of things up for love, we have a few problems here. One being that I'm currently too young to make such a decision. Two, I'm willing to give a lot of things up for love, not everything. Three, I don't have any reason to put any faith into him whatsoever, what with our "monthly committee meetings," as I like to call them (because we only see each other about that often), and him always saying he's going to do something and then not doing it. If I can't depend on him with little things, how will I trust in him for the bigger things?
But that all works out fine for me. You know why? Because I realized yesterday that I want to hold out for a true Christian guy that I can commit to and give myself fully to, and until I find that, no dating for me. I've had too many problems with guys. If he's not Christian (and I mean in his lifestyle and not just title), then there's no way. I'm tired of "Christians" pawing at me and trying to convince me to sleep with them or do things that I just know I'm going to regret. Do you see this ring? *points at purity ring* Do you know what it means? Good, then keep your hands off of me. You wanna kiss me, fine, but hands away from what all parents refer to as the "any place that a bikini covers." And you know, I'm not saying that I'm perfect, because nobody's perfect, and because I have slipped up in this area, but I can still honestly say that I am a virgin. And thank God, too, because the devil is still using that minor slip-up to try and wear away at my Grace and Pride and Salvation. And I mean the good Pride - the kind that comes with knowing that God is always with you, no matter what; Pride in who you are, not in your abilities; Pride in who you're becoming, not in being better than others, because no matter what, there's always somebody out there that is better than you. You know why else I want a Christian? Because most of them don't cuss, and I need to be around someone that doesn't cuss, because if I'm around others that don't do it, then I don't do it. It's when I hear it that I say it. As Aunt Brenda always told us, "Garbage in, garbage out."
So why title this post "I never wanna be without you"? Well, aside from the obvious listening to Hilary Duff, it's how I'm feeling right now about a lot of things. I explained not wanting to be without those friends and that teacher. I explained not wanting to be without a CHRISTIAN boyfriend. There's a guy I met online last week that, despite never seeing him in-the-flesh, currently embodies all of those Christian things (as least to me), and I can't wait for him to come back to Costa Mesa in the fall so I can talk to him face-to-face, and until then, I don't want to be without his daily concerns and uplifting comments. (He reminds me of a guy I met at summer camp summer before last. When we got home, we talked on AIM a lot; we don't really talk anymore. I miss him. He helped me with a lot of my mental/emotional issues, he helped me to think better of myself and not put myself down so much, and he helped me to learn the value of Christian friends, and he never even knew it.) And I also don't ever want to be without God. EVER.
Alright, I'll stop rambling. It's time to let Grandma sleep without me sitting here with the light on, rat-a-tat-tatting away on the keyboard.
Always,
Amanda
posted by Amanda @ 10:03 PM
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